• Ponders.


  • 2013.12.29(日)
  • i guess.



Ah, so Wars actually cut off contact with me! I was surprised it was sort of sudden, but I understand. I finally had time to reply this weekend since I had no projects, but I guess she beat me to it. To be honest, I'm impressed. I'm happy she actually decided I shouldn't be in her life, it's better this way. She's removing all the toxic people in her life and that's really good!! I was sad at first, but I understand that if she's happy then it's good. it happens haha we had a good run. (Though it's gonna be really awkward when I have to sing in that duet thing. There's 12 people already though, maybe I can just back out but KONI)

I'm going back into my depression a bit, or well just crying more I always had depression. I ran out of antidepressants the other day and I haven't told my mom yet. To be honest though, just taking them everyday just makes me feel a bit broken. I know they're suppose to help, but I just don't know. Sigh, I guess I'll tell her on Monday on her dayoff or something.

I just took my ACT today and I feel pretttty average LOL. All of friends either finished or were close to finish and I'm here like "TEN QUESTIONS LEFT UHHH" Oh well, it was my first time! I'll try again in June. Just need to study up. IKUZOUUUUU!!!

Onto brighter things, this month is the April Friendly! The Pokemon competition (I joined the one last year) just for battling. At the moment I'm trying to breed a shiny 5IV froakie with protean but so far I got a shiny 3IV Froakie with Torrent OTL. I have a 6IV Protean Froakie I just might end up using. I also bought myself a Raikou Pokedoll to reward all the testing I'm going to do this month! I got EOIs and massive studying for AP tests. With Physics chewing up my ass ughhh school has just been taking up so much of my time :c

SPEAKING OF SCHOOL, I actually got to hang out with my crush some more hehe. I'm not as serious about it as I am with um /someone/, but he's a really cool guy and ahhh I would like going to prom with him...probably as friends tho haha. BUT PROM IS SO MUCH MONEY. But yea! After the ACT, I was with our group of friends and he said hi just to me and iunno but that sort of made me happy u/3/u Jiisan really wants me to ask him to Prom BUT NAHHH

Kev is trying to cheer me on too, but I sorta know he's pretty jealous. I would love love to go to prom with him ;;; but sob too far. I miss him so muchhh, but at least we stay up talking to each other still and play games uvu He's the best boi everrrrr. I'm glad he's been with me for so long and can cheer me up whenever I'm so sad ;v; I wish he went to Otto's party but...yeaaa expenses now OTL but at least we all had a webcam party for Otto's birthday and it's really nice to have the group back together.

I've also been spending a lot more time with Jiisan! We've been trying to get our duets done and we've decided to start watching an anime together!! BLACK BULLET THE BEST MANGA EVER HUEHUEHUHEHUEHUEHUEHUE. And I finally got his present through the male! It's a fire emblem ring and a rilkkuma charm and ahhh I wear the ring like everyday and it feel so natural now LOL It's hard whenever I have to take it off and I freak out whenever I realize I'm not wearing it.

Right now, I'm just preparing for the April Friendly and just chilling with my brah Robbbb. She's talking about Conan as usual, but she was actually happy whenever I told her I thought i did okay on the ACT ;v; She makes me happy too, because usually people aren't really proud of me. Happy Happy. Though I'm still feeling like crap, these small things make me so happy ahhh.

All in all though, I wish I could talk to my friends whenever depression hits me hard. It's more of a pride and "no stop worrying about me" thing, but iunno.


It's really early in the morning whenever I think about the people I dislike and why I dislike them. Usually, I'm never a person to completely dislike someone unless their my brother or go to my school, but that's totally different from what I'm talking about. I think what I mean is someone I use to be close friends with, and now I just can't stand them.

I won't point any fingers and name drop, but let's say these two were really close to me. I couldn't really imagine my life without them back then, but now I think I'll be totally fine. Since both felt just so one sided, it hurt me and I think I deserve more than a one sided friendship. I do, right?

One stopped because she didn't want to talk to me and she never told me why. I really dislike dishonest people, though that's sort of hypocritical, at least I try. I still wanted to be friends with her, but if she wasn't going to tell me why she didn't want to talk to me or make an effort to be friends in the first place, I shouldn't try. It really hurt me though. Cause this was the first time someone promised me we would friends forever, but then they just broke it. I hated it. This made me have a mental breakdowns that eventually led up to me almost killing myself...I still wish I did. As a person with trust issues since the beginning of time, this really scarred me. It made me question my bonds with others which brings me to my next person. (I think I've talked about a lot of this first person before so I won't talk much about again LOL)

She was nice. She tried to always be so supportive and kind. She was my best friend and I used to feel so happy talking to her. Over time though, it started to hurt. During my depression Nov-Jan., I felt like she was never there. I felt like she had better things to do, which she probably did, but she never seemed to take notice that everyday I wanted to kill myself. Or more like, she never took it seriously. Sure, she would write supportive messages and all, but no matter how times I read them, all I could think was, "She doesn't understand." The people who I'm close to now understand, but she seem to have no idea how to handle my behavior, which isn't her fault, it was something though that I didn't think I could deal with. Then during that long break of self discovery(lol) and no online contact, I realize that people change and how much I changed. I grew more independent and so did she. I checked her twitter every now and then to check up on friends and she seemed to always be happy not really taking notice or care that I could be dead. I know that's not her fault, and I'm happy she's happier without me. It made me realize though, that she never took my suicidal posts seriously even though, everyday I really did fantasize about dying. And I would get so envious whenever I saw a murder or funeral on tv. (I'm a lot better now lol.) people grow distant, and as I saw her do better without me, I decided it would be better for me to leave. She probably hasn't even noticed haha.

It's been almost two months since I gave Kev my Skype to delete people off. He didn't delete anyone off my favorites, only 1/2 were still on my favorites but at least one is gone. I don't know. I've grown more distant, but at the same time, I choose to be closer to the friends I love so much.

Maybe we can all be friends again but for now, I prefer not.


PS. I do not want to animate for ABCBA R3 SOB. At least Jes animated some of it while I was at the hospital (secret), but ughhhhh.


I need to start saving better now sob. Calm down Jenn. Calm down.


I haven't webcammed in a while with my boi so I asked if we could tonight. It's a little over night but he still wanted to webcam. He...got a haircut. It's really...nice . He's also wearing his sleep clothes which is just a tank top and pants or whatever so just looking at him makes me so . I'm use to his clothes, but his forehead aaa...don't pull out my weakness. I can barely look at him so I've just been staring at the chat window and not the vid. I don't know why but I feel so underdressed yet I'm in my regular pjs. Idiot. I just wanted to talk about something and he goes and just be's him. It's no fair.

I told him I'm still so unsure about my feelings for Kels and that I'm just warning him in case he gets hurt in the end. He said though he always had a feeling and understands--always had a feeling? is my insecurity that visible or does he just know me enough...I think the latter. I was expecting him to be mad but he actually smiled at me and I felt like crying so much. I just kept apologizing and he kept saying it's okay and that he doesn't mind waiting again. I really hate him. I really hate how nice he is. I hate how he loves me and I can't return the same amount of feelings. I hate how insecure and scared I am. I hate how I'm so indecisive with my feelings. I hate how he knows and doesn't take advantage.

I don't deserve him, as a friend or lover or anything. He means so much to me and I don't know how to return everything he's done for me. Stop making girls cry, you bum! I'm just glad he's here for me no matter what...I want to watch a movie now. He's getting something is the kitchen now, I wonder what's something we can watch together hmm. We haven't watched Sunny yet and that's one of my favorite movies!! We can watch that together. At the moment, I just want to enjoy these times I can spend with him. Even though I'm so unsure on my feelings, I love him. I love being with him and joking and teasing around. I just wish though, I knew which love I have for both of them was greater. I'm really a big idiot.


I guess she's my daytime shooting star, haha. Thing is, I think I'm tired of chasing someone. I think I'll take a break and sit down and wait for whoever thinks I'm their daytime shooting star. And tell him, he doesn't need to chase me anymore. It's cheesy, but you get tired and since she's my daytime shooting star, I want her to be happy. Even if she doesn't need me. For some reason though, just thinking that, makes me want to crush a cup or can. It hurts a little. It's weird really.

Me, Myself, and You.


i sometimes catch myself remembering.

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