ポラロイド写真
  • Ponders.

回り込み解除

  • 2013.12.29(日)

回り込み解除

It's really early in the morning whenever I think about the people I dislike and why I dislike them. Usually, I'm never a person to completely dislike someone unless their my brother or go to my school, but that's totally different from what I'm talking about. I think what I mean is someone I use to be close friends with, and now I just can't stand them.

I won't point any fingers and name drop, but let's say these two were really close to me. I couldn't really imagine my life without them back then, but now I think I'll be totally fine. Since both felt just so one sided, it hurt me and I think I deserve more than a one sided friendship. I do, right?

One stopped because she didn't want to talk to me and she never told me why. I really dislike dishonest people, though that's sort of hypocritical, at least I try. I still wanted to be friends with her, but if she wasn't going to tell me why she didn't want to talk to me or make an effort to be friends in the first place, I shouldn't try. It really hurt me though. Cause this was the first time someone promised me we would friends forever, but then they just broke it. I hated it. This made me have a mental breakdowns that eventually led up to me almost killing myself...I still wish I did. As a person with trust issues since the beginning of time, this really scarred me. It made me question my bonds with others which brings me to my next person. (I think I've talked about a lot of this first person before so I won't talk much about again LOL)

She was nice. She tried to always be so supportive and kind. She was my best friend and I used to feel so happy talking to her. Over time though, it started to hurt. During my depression Nov-Jan., I felt like she was never there. I felt like she had better things to do, which she probably did, but she never seemed to take notice that everyday I wanted to kill myself. Or more like, she never took it seriously. Sure, she would write supportive messages and all, but no matter how times I read them, all I could think was, "She doesn't understand." The people who I'm close to now understand, but she seem to have no idea how to handle my behavior, which isn't her fault, it was something though that I didn't think I could deal with. Then during that long break of self discovery(lol) and no online contact, I realize that people change and how much I changed. I grew more independent and so did she. I checked her twitter every now and then to check up on friends and she seemed to always be happy not really taking notice or care that I could be dead. I know that's not her fault, and I'm happy she's happier without me. It made me realize though, that she never took my suicidal posts seriously even though, everyday I really did fantasize about dying. And I would get so envious whenever I saw a murder or funeral on tv. (I'm a lot better now lol.) people grow distant, and as I saw her do better without me, I decided it would be better for me to leave. She probably hasn't even noticed haha.

It's been almost two months since I gave Kev my Skype to delete people off. He didn't delete anyone off my favorites, only 1/2 were still on my favorites but at least one is gone. I don't know. I've grown more distant, but at the same time, I choose to be closer to the friends I love so much.

Maybe we can all be friends again but for now, I prefer not.

-Jenn/Neko

PS. I do not want to animate for ABCBA R3 SOB. At least Jes animated some of it while I was at the hospital (secret), but ughhhhh.

回り込み解除

I need to start saving better now sob. Calm down Jenn. Calm down.

回り込み解除

I haven't webcammed in a while with my boi so I asked if we could tonight. It's a little over night but he still wanted to webcam. He...got a haircut. It's really...nice . He's also wearing his sleep clothes which is just a tank top and pants or whatever so just looking at him makes me so . I'm use to his clothes, but his forehead aaa...don't pull out my weakness. I can barely look at him so I've just been staring at the chat window and not the vid. I don't know why but I feel so underdressed yet I'm in my regular pjs. Idiot. I just wanted to talk about something and he goes and just be's him. It's no fair.

I told him I'm still so unsure about my feelings for Kels and that I'm just warning him in case he gets hurt in the end. He said though he always had a feeling and understands--always had a feeling? is my insecurity that visible or does he just know me enough...I think the latter. I was expecting him to be mad but he actually smiled at me and I felt like crying so much. I just kept apologizing and he kept saying it's okay and that he doesn't mind waiting again. I really hate him. I really hate how nice he is. I hate how he loves me and I can't return the same amount of feelings. I hate how insecure and scared I am. I hate how I'm so indecisive with my feelings. I hate how he knows and doesn't take advantage.

I don't deserve him, as a friend or lover or anything. He means so much to me and I don't know how to return everything he's done for me. Stop making girls cry, you bum! I'm just glad he's here for me no matter what...I want to watch a movie now. He's getting something is the kitchen now, I wonder what's something we can watch together hmm. We haven't watched Sunny yet and that's one of my favorite movies!! We can watch that together. At the moment, I just want to enjoy these times I can spend with him. Even though I'm so unsure on my feelings, I love him. I love being with him and joking and teasing around. I just wish though, I knew which love I have for both of them was greater. I'm really a big idiot.

回り込み解除

I guess she's my daytime shooting star, haha. Thing is, I think I'm tired of chasing someone. I think I'll take a break and sit down and wait for whoever thinks I'm their daytime shooting star. And tell him, he doesn't need to chase me anymore. It's cheesy, but you get tired and since she's my daytime shooting star, I want her to be happy. Even if she doesn't need me. For some reason though, just thinking that, makes me want to crush a cup or can. It hurts a little. It's weird really.

回り込み解除

I decided to go to this rant blog more than my other lame tumblr one. That tumblr one...really didn't help at all. Anyways, I've been feeling dead like literally dead for the past couple of weeks and I've just been sleeping and crying.
Sure, I had nice times with like Ron, Charli, and Rob; but still, they are some people who I wish I could get rid of.
I have no idea if I talked about this before on this blog, but around February, I joined an rp on tumblr. It was all fun at first, until we smacked into our first encounter with drama. Now this was due to me and my friend Michael and how we were starting to feel left out. So I thought we resolved it, but turns out this only started the fire.
She got really protective over the real group and started to control things. At first we were like "Well, she is the boss of the roleplay why not." But it soon reached the point of annoyance when she left the chat every 2 weeks now days even.
The others seemed to not give a crap and to be honest, so did I, but I at least understood what she was feeling. Being left out. I feel left out all the time now in the chat and I don't mention it or anything, but no one seems to really care about my existence anyway. My girlfriend is amongst all this and I guess that's what makes me feel even more mad.
Talking with people she's more close to than me. It hurts and I feel so jealous but I can't say anything. I might be over reacting but it just keeps happening and happening. And I keep constantly getting reminded of it, how? Everytime now I talk to her, she'll put in like "Oh don't worry ____ said it sucked anyway." Or "Haha, I'm just watching stuff with ___." And I just can't take it.
And what's worse is that, I just hate myself even more for thinking all this, for feeling the way I feel and I just wish I could end it by ending myself but I can't for so many reasons.
I'm sorry that I keep ranting but argh. I'm just going to leave the chat. Leave. Get rid of all these feelings for a while.

-Jenn Neko Fubuki

Me, Myself, and You.

NEKO★JENN

Author:NEKO★JENN
i sometimes catch myself remembering.

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