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  • to my dog

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I thought this week couldn't get worse than it was with the whole school schedule w/o my friends.
Then today came and my dog had eaten rat poison yesterday from when me and mom went to the store. I remember since he wouldn't go upstairs and I think my mom left her door open. The poison was in there in a trap. So I worried and teared up a bit since I felt like he wasn't gonna make it. But I had hope.

Turns out that hope was for nothing.

Conway "Mudkip" Phan-Tabor died today. Jan. 4th 2011-August 10th 2012.
He was only bout 1 1/2 years old.

When my mom came home, I hear something jingle. I thought maybe it was his collar. It was. Without him though. My mom was in tears and when she said it. I was shocked. I couldn't cry. I was trying to get through my head about this, my brother punched the wall. After it hit, I cried and cried, wailed and wailed, and even screamed. My mom then phoned my little brother and stepsiblings, I know they were crying.
My mom then left with my bro to get some comfort food but I decided to stay home. Before she left she gave me his collar, she meant it to comfort me, but I just cried more and more cause of the jingle. I kept wishing, "I wish you were here so I could tell you how much I love you. How I wish I hadn't decided to go to the store with my mom. To not have ignored you during those times. To take back all the times I playfully kicked you. I just want you back." I kept going on and on like that. My mom told me not to think bout it much, but Conway was more than a dog to me.

To Conway,

I always wanted a dog like most kids, so when we got you last year in April I was so happy. I smothered you in love cause you were small. We played tug-of-war, a little of soccer, fetch; all those games, you even liked begging for food! But as you grew I started to take you for granted. I stopped letting you in my room as you would always eat the paper in my trash or eat my stuffed animals. I would ignore you and just let my brothers take care of you. But as I started noticing, since they didn't do much nowadays, I played with you more, talked with you more, took care of you more. You were becoming one of my best friends, I would talk and cry to you bout my sad life and you would just lick my tears away, probably since you were thirsty or something though, but that didn't matter, you were always there. I taught you a few tricks and you would come to me after Mom would yell at you. I would hold you and just laugh.
Remember those singing and dancing times we had? CON CON WEI WEI WEI~ haha, me and you would just dance, or I would make you dance. And I apologize for the times I made you do these things like wear clothes and silly costumes and listen to my horrible singing. I used to sing Pierrot to you when you slept, remember? I didn't know if you liked it, but I always hummed it to you. (sorry) as time grew, I wanted to do everything with you like walking around the neighborhood and explore more of it, let you eat watermelon with me, let you dance Baby Good Night with me, and play with Jason (lil bro) some more.
But during this week, I started to tell you how much I loved you more often. it was probably me being sad, but I meant it. Then yesterday, I decided to go to the store with Mom. You looked like you really wanted to go but you knew you couldn't. I looked at you and told you how I loved you and how I promised to be back. I was gonna get you upstairs when mom said you could do it on your own. You didn't though. As we left, I planned on getting maybe a new toy for you. When we came back, I hurried to my room to hermit in. Next time I went down, you were sad and sick looking. I thought maybe you were feeling lonely so I petted you and hugged you. As I left again, I fell asleep. When I woke up, John (twin bro) told me bout your rat poison incident. I teared up, but I had hope in you! And continued otoming. Mom later came home, she told me you'd be out in 3-5 days. I was happy to know you were gonna be okay. Later on, Mom left and came back sobbing. I couldn't hear her well cause I heard your familiar jingle, but where were you?
Dead.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I never told you enough about how much I loved you. I'm sorry bout all our plans we had planned. I'm sorry I neglected you.
I love you. I love how you prance down the hall to see me. I love your butt whenever we walk down stairs. I love the face you give me while begging. I love how you would mess around in my room and get it messy. I love how fluffy and how warm you were.
I miss you and wish you were with me.
If only I stayed home. Maybe you might still be alive today. If only I noticed your behavior more earlier, you might've still been alive. I just want you to know my feelings and how much I grieve over your death.
I love you. I miss you. I'm sorry.
Your "Sissy",
Jennifer.

I'm really sorry for this cheesy post, but I want my dog to know if he's watching. I've been sobbing since 5 hours ago and still am. I love you Conway and you are always my number one dog.
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Me, Myself, and You.

NEKO★JENN

Author:NEKO★JENN
i sometimes catch myself remembering.

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