ポラロイド写真
  • neverending

    category:Vent.

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I realized, how much I hate myself. I always knew I hated myself, just didn't know how much. I realized it today while doing homework while animating. What I'm animating is a birthday chorus for a close friend of mine and organized by another friend. I knew the deadline would be hard to work around with school, yet I still took the offer to animate, cause I was jealous and didn't want to be left out.
I regret it. I should've been left out. The chorus is due in two or one days and I barely have any animation done. School took up work and I was like "maybe she'll cut me some slack?" then a voice inside me said, "But what your promise to release every chorus on time?" I hate myself. I hate how I made such promises to myself I wanted to keep, like how "I never want to break a promise! To myself or anyone." so naive. I can't even cuss or else my promise would break. Even though I want to so much. stupid stupid. I hate school. I hate YouTube. I hate family. I just wanna die. I might be going through some phase but nothing has been working out. All I wanna do is relax but my parents have such high expectations, my friends - all of them - probably don't even care about me. I'm too annoying, too happy, too stupid, too immature to even give a dang about.
Whenever people ask if I'm okay, I'll reply with an "I'm okay don't worry!" but really, we all learn even I can lie right? I learned as I try to open up to more people, the more I feel like I repel them so maybe, wait yes. I'll just stop and keep doing the thing I've been doing.
Holding in my feelings and then crying by myself. Even friends who I felt closest too really don't even give a dang to me. Even though they don't notice, I feel it. I'm such a drama queen and overreactive. You might disagree but, humans are biased.
If you looked in the unbiased way like I did, you would understand that I am. Maybe I'm just stupid, heck, I am.
I wish I was more smarter. More outgoing. More truthful. But I'll never get that.
Reason I'm writing here is cause I know no one will read it. But yet, I like having my rants here. My iPod would always haunt me so keeping it on some blog helps me clear it away.
But my wish, is to feel cared about. A lot of people say they care, but what if they're lying? I know they are all the time. Sigh.
I wish - I should stop wishing - that I'll find someone who I'm their number one. Everyone has that friend they care about right? And they care back. Their "Number 1 BFF" I have no one. Just myself. I feel that for other people, but they have their own BFF. so where does that leave me? Alone.

Sorry for the Emo post but. I don't really regret anything.

-Neko.
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Me, Myself, and You.

NEKO★JENN

Author:NEKO★JENN
i sometimes catch myself remembering.

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