ポラロイド写真

回り込み解除

It's really early in the morning whenever I think about the people I dislike and why I dislike them. Usually, I'm never a person to completely dislike someone unless their my brother or go to my school, but that's totally different from what I'm talking about. I think what I mean is someone I use to be close friends with, and now I just can't stand them.

I won't point any fingers and name drop, but let's say these two were really close to me. I couldn't really imagine my life without them back then, but now I think I'll be totally fine. Since both felt just so one sided, it hurt me and I think I deserve more than a one sided friendship. I do, right?

One stopped because she didn't want to talk to me and she never told me why. I really dislike dishonest people, though that's sort of hypocritical, at least I try. I still wanted to be friends with her, but if she wasn't going to tell me why she didn't want to talk to me or make an effort to be friends in the first place, I shouldn't try. It really hurt me though. Cause this was the first time someone promised me we would friends forever, but then they just broke it. I hated it. This made me have a mental breakdowns that eventually led up to me almost killing myself...I still wish I did. As a person with trust issues since the beginning of time, this really scarred me. It made me question my bonds with others which brings me to my next person. (I think I've talked about a lot of this first person before so I won't talk much about again LOL)

She was nice. She tried to always be so supportive and kind. She was my best friend and I used to feel so happy talking to her. Over time though, it started to hurt. During my depression Nov-Jan., I felt like she was never there. I felt like she had better things to do, which she probably did, but she never seemed to take notice that everyday I wanted to kill myself. Or more like, she never took it seriously. Sure, she would write supportive messages and all, but no matter how times I read them, all I could think was, "She doesn't understand." The people who I'm close to now understand, but she seem to have no idea how to handle my behavior, which isn't her fault, it was something though that I didn't think I could deal with. Then during that long break of self discovery(lol) and no online contact, I realize that people change and how much I changed. I grew more independent and so did she. I checked her twitter every now and then to check up on friends and she seemed to always be happy not really taking notice or care that I could be dead. I know that's not her fault, and I'm happy she's happier without me. It made me realize though, that she never took my suicidal posts seriously even though, everyday I really did fantasize about dying. And I would get so envious whenever I saw a murder or funeral on tv. (I'm a lot better now lol.) people grow distant, and as I saw her do better without me, I decided it would be better for me to leave. She probably hasn't even noticed haha.

It's been almost two months since I gave Kev my Skype to delete people off. He didn't delete anyone off my favorites, only 1/2 were still on my favorites but at least one is gone. I don't know. I've grown more distant, but at the same time, I choose to be closer to the friends I love so much.

Maybe we can all be friends again but for now, I prefer not.

-Jenn/Neko

PS. I do not want to animate for ABCBA R3 SOB. At least Jes animated some of it while I was at the hospital (secret), but ughhhhh.
  • ahh.

    category:Love.

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I really love Kev, Rob and Jiisan. They're all my closest friends and I feel pretty laid back when I'm around then. ;v; (I love Mari and Chen too just wish we could all be more active cries. AND CHARLI TOO endless for the Charles.)

Kev's been my friend since I was 14? Or 15? Around that. We met when I was at open door for highschool, I made a really lame joke and he was the only one around me who heard it and laughed LOL. And he's been my best friend since uvu well he wasn't just 'best friend' for the majority hehe but we're still really close. He mostly takes care of me and tries to keep me from trouble. We usually get mad and wrestle each other but it was fun. It still is. He knows a lot about me and I know a lot about him so we try and look out for each other a lot. I'm always sad when I remember he moved far away from but I love how we still try and call and webcam each other ahhhh <3 I love him to bits. /) //3//)/)

Rob I've known for 5 years and she's just aaaa. Without her, I truly wouldn't be here and I'm so grateful to have a best friend like her. We met on the ol' pet site known as Neurogalaxy, before all we did was comment and rp with each other (I was 12 oh god that's scary) Then like a few years later, after I took a year break, I came back and we exchanged Skype info. At first I thought it would be awkward but nope! We ended up talking lots and lots and aaaaa she actually remembered my birthday and made me a gift and it was the year I hated my birthday and I remember crying so much. She's helped me through so many events and whenever I was in the hospital, she actually noticed I was gone for a week and felt like something bad happened and aaaaaa. I know it's stupid to cry over that, but I was so happy. Rob's one of the people I feel totally comfortable talking about anything and I really hope we can talk more. (/) u/w/u)/)

NOW JIISAN. He's someone I can always chat to and just play around. He can get me all cheered up in no time. Even if I'm sad and mopey, he just needs to talk about anime and I'll all happy haha. I can say he has a lot of Neko intuition meaning he can probably guess what I would do or could do lol. But he's been there a lot for me too, from when I had like that giant meltdown during vocafx to when I was depressed. We've only known each other for like two years, but I feel like we're the perfect comedic pair! haha He's like a big brother to me who (don't tell him) that I kinda wanna be...not a siscon but a calm cool weird role model. uvu

I just wanted to share.

-Jenn/Neko

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SO. I've been meaning to write a big explanation on why I've been gone for like a month and since I can't remember my tumblr welp. Back in I think late January, I went into a realllly deep depression. I felt lonely, people I wanted to talk to clearly didn't want to talk to me, and my mom didn't make me feel good. Eventually, I decided I had enough and attempted suicide. I don't want to go too much into detail about that, but let's just say people were right when they call me 'hard-headed' haha.

Afterwards, I stayed at the hospital for about a week or so and just had my head examined and stitched up. I went through some memory loss due to the trauma just of the past months, but that was just temporary and I got a lot of my memory back a few days after. I got to go home and they thought it would be better for me to not live with my mom for a while, in case it brought back anything, so I stayed at my friend Kev's house where I mostly lived with his mom until he came back for a while from Nebraska haha. (I feel sorry for Sid who has to takes notes for him all the time) I had lots of fun staying and eating all his mom's cooking nomnom. Kev even decided to watch the whole first series of Inazuma Eleven with me and ahhh it was so great to watch Inazuma again and to try and get Kev to know all the characters. (He just called everyone Endou _ (with their number) all except Fubuki who he...knew LOL) I came back home after another week and just decided to not talk to my mom for a bit, even though she's the one who drives me to the hospital for some check ups still fff.

Kev still visited me, and before he told me it was better if I stayed offline for a bit. Which, I totally understood since tumblr and skype just brought back some bad memories. Not even three hours in on my offline break, I wanted to talk to people again cries. He let me use Line on my laptop to talk to some friends on there which was mostly just Jiisan and Rob but ahh <3 They're my closest friends so I was fine with that. I gave him access to my skype and some other sites and let him delete anyone on my friendslist or whatever that he felt like could hurt me. I don't really care haha. I started focusing more about my school friends and hey even got a crush on one of them. But yea, crushes never work out for me. Still, I got closer with them and felt better about going to school instead of crying and stressing. I still stress but I haven't cried in a while. WELL, except when I remember that Kev plans on going to study aboard and I won't see him for a while. We have the same timezone but eventually we won't and it'll be so different to talk to him and ughh ;__; I do tear up whenever I remember.

Now that I'm back, I get to talk to Mari and Chen again! Mostly Mari LOL. But ahh I'm so happy. OH AND I FORGOT TO MENTION but Charli sent me her package and ahhh it's just so amazing. She sent all these kitkats and a rice cracker AND DADADAAAAAAA A REI CHARM. I just love it <3. CEPT HE KILLED MY SHINJI KEYCHAIN but I found his body it's all good. And recently, I've been really into pokemon, and with my chimchar, I got a Virizion plush! It's so cute! ahhh I want the whole Sacred Sword set but my wallet is starting to run dry ;v;. So for now, time to rough it up. (stares at pkmncollectors in tears)

I guess that's all for now. I need to update some Utaite Talk since ahhh Sakatan and Honeyworks and just everyone. IS. AMAZING.

- Jenn/Neko
  • category:Other.

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I'm nothing, but a worthless piece of shit.

回り込み解除

Ahh mou. Jenn, you had one heck of a day. At least you're able to move on, she isn't your problem anymore. And everyone is really happy for you. I had lots of fun when Otto came over! Btw, never play scrabble with us we don't know what we'e doing. Afterwards we watched some romantic comedy on like abcfamily or whatever. I didn't pay attention because I was flipping out that my tumblr squish wanted to get to know me better ahhh. So happy about that!! I hope I can get the butterflies out of me and try to talk to him ahh he seems so nice.

Speaking of he, I haven't talked to Kevin at all today. All he did was texted me 'good luck' which I was happy to know he got the feeling I wasn't in the mood to webcam today, I feel a bit guilty. Everything she said and did, was all a lie and it made me mad. I don't want Kev to see that side of me about her so I guess it's best for us both to not deal with an angry Jenn. Otto calmed me down with pics from our lake trip of 2012! We couldn't go last year, because of Kev's internship in Nebraska and me staying in Washington to see my family. At least I'm happy they didn't go without us, made me feel less left out. Hopefully this year we can go! I can maybe actually get a real bathing suit. Not swim, but at least not wear a jacket in like 90+ weather. I would love to see Joanna in a bikini though again ahhhh yeeeee. send me pics of her instead of my boi, I would've calmed down faster! (www)

I'm like Charli in that way where I still like looking at girls but have a boy LOL, but he's not really my boyfriend. Even though I'm way over her now, I'm still a bit unsure on dating him. Just cause I'm not sure if I want to date yet. I just like his company right now and if he wanted a kiss or hug or two I wouldn't really mind. e/3/e He was my midnight kiss for new years if you count kissing through the phone/ipod screen haha. It was so embarrassing to me, but he thought it was cute at least. Speaking of New Years, I spent it mostly with Kev and Rob! I stayed up pretty late, but had lots of fun seeing Rob trying to make puns and listening to Kev trying to stay up LOL.

Back on the topic of today, the princes actually were all on skype today yay! we decided to change our icons finally and I was so happy to see them all and talk with them and we changed out icons for this month! We're back to having our usual Starry Sky icons. Ahh I missed having Kanata as my icon my tsun anime boyfriend. If only Kev was more like you kekeke. Just kiddingggg. He's perfect the way he is uvu Right now, I'm just hanging with Rob while she's watching some really weird sexual incest movie about the 1700's I don't even know. I think that's a good summary for today!

Let's hope 2014 is a nice year!
-Jenn

here are the icons btw! I really liked how they turned out so;
KanekoIcon10.pngYomariIcon10.pngSuzueneIcon10.png

Me, Myself, and You.

NEKO★JENN

Author:NEKO★JENN
i sometimes catch myself remembering.

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